How To Decrease Shame After A Pregnancy Loss

What's your experience like, is it hard to find community? It takes courage and vulnerability to foster connections that support our growth and healing, especially when we're struggling.

As we welcome November, I'm reflecting on October and the advocacy and awareness highlighted through the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month campaigns on social media. I was reminded by Sara*, a member of my infertility group, how much work there still is to do. Sara's experienced multiple pregnancy losses over recent years and yet never heard of this awareness campaign. How about you?

Sara joined the group feeling emotionally isolated from her large and loving family. As the parent of a toddler, there were a lot of questions about baby number 2’s arrival. She shared little with family about her recurrent miscarriages and secondary infertility and came to loathe family events. The barrage of questions that would inevitably come, and the feelings of shame were too much. Isolation was easier.  
 
Thankfully, someone pointed Sara to my group. She loved hearing from other group members who faced similar dilemmas, and similar grief. She perked up when I shared about the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness campaign early in the month. We discussed the different hashtags to explore, and the Wave of Light ceremony on October 15th, where people light candles in honor of their babies who have died.

Earlier this week we met for our final group session. Sara beamed as she shared about her disclosure on social media. Inspired by the online community around #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth and the connections she made in group, Sara shared publicly for the first time about her journey.  

She was blown away by the thoughtful comments, love, and compassion she received from her community. When she attended a family event over the weekend, no one asked her about baby number 2. Was it a coincidence? She wasn’t sure, but she felt inspired by the response to her vulnerability and encouraged to keep talking with those she loved. 

I share Sara’s experience for a few reasons. To highlight:

1- Campaigns like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month are so important!

They help create community for people who are feeling isolated. They decrease shame and inspire people, like Sara, to break their silence and gain needed support to weather difficult times. Campaigns like this also help to educate our community so we can be more empathetic towards one another.

2- Your voice matters.

Letting people in takes courage and vulnerability.  Letting people know your pain means they can offer you support. Does sharing on social media feel like too much? Consider what it would be like to open up to someone you trust. What might you gain in return?

3- Therapy groups are healing.

Not only do groups decrease isolation, but connecting with others experiencing similar struggles has the power to reduce shame. After all, empathy is the antidote to shame. 

I know it can feel scary to step out of your comfort zone. While social media can be a tough place, when you look in the right places there are many supportive communities waiting. To join a group, to speak up, to ask for help— it takes courage. And yet, taking risks, like Sara, is what brings us out of isolation and closer to one another. 

If you're interested in joining a group here in San Diego, or virtually throughout California, or would like to explore individual support along your reproductive journey, don’t hesitate to reach out.