6-Week Mind-Body Infertility Support Group Starting

If you've been following along for any length of time, you know that I'm passionate about helping women who are experiencing infertility. I understand how lonely, scary and isolating this path can be.

In addition to the individual infertility counseling I provide to women in my private practice here in San Diego, I facilitate support groups. These groups introduce new coping strategies and offer women a place to share, connect and gain support from other women who are going through the same thing. 

This may not be you, but it's someone you know- your sister, your cousin, your friend. I know because of just how common infertility is that we're talking about someone you know, perhaps someone you care for deeply. Please consider sharing this with her.  

Does this sound like you, or someone you care about?

• "I'm so overwhelmed with the process of trying to have a baby; I never thought it would be this hard".

• "I feel so alone in this process; no one I know has struggled to have a baby"! 

• "I'm not really sure what to do anymore. The anticipation and the waiting/trying to conceive are stressing me out so much".

• "I'm dreading this visit home and having to hear one more person ask me when we're going to have a baby". 

• "I feel so guilty for how I feel when I see pregnant women, or baby announcements; is this normal?"

Maybe you/they haven't actually said these words, but the feelings are there. If it's someone you care about, perhaps you've noticed their withdrawal, their worry and you're concerned about them.

Gaining support from others and developing new coping skills can help: 

• Reduce anxiety, stress and/or overwhelm 

• Lessen feelings of isolation, loneliness or depression

• Improve communication and relationships with important people in your life

My next Infertility Support Group starts on October 9th and is designed for women who are experiencing primary or secondary infertility. Throughout the group we'll explore issues related to infertility, including the impact on identity, self-esteem, sexuality and relationships. Participants have the opportunity to learn and practice relaxation and other mind-body coping skills each week. While we can't change the stressors you experience each day, you can learn to manage your response to allow you to live more comfortably and engage with life more fully. 

You can learn more about the group and schedule an intake through this link. If you have any questions, you can email me or sign up for a free consultation.

You also might find this blog post helpful when considering the benefits of a support group. 

Becoming More Mindful: Where to Start?

Photo by Tanushree Khanna on Unsplash

We live in a fast-paced society where it feels like there's rarely (dare I say never) enough time. I know I'm not alone in this feeling; I hear about it daily from friends and family, and of course the clients I counsel in my practice. The overwhelm is folded into the lives of my clients who are struggling to conceive, those grieving, the women who are adjusting to the reality of motherhood, the men who feel a ridiculous amount of pressure to provide and succeed financially. Sometimes the greatest stressors come from within, our attempts to be the best partner/parent/daughter/brother/insert role.

Mindfulness has been a buzz word for the past decade or so and shows no sign of leaving center stage of the $3.7 trillion global wellness market (Reference). And there's good reason-- midnfulness is touted as the antidote for aging, perfectionism, anxiety, depression. The list goes on. But for those unfamiliar with mindfulness, learning what it is and what it isn't, and figuring out how to bring it into your life can cause more of those feelings of overwhelm we're trying to conquer. After all, won't adding something else to your to do list make you even busier?

That feeling of being busy and rushing all the time, there's a choice in that. At least that's what the gurus of mindfulness tell us. With a mindful approach, we get to decide how we interact with the world around us. Mindfulness helps us to slow down and  to pay attention to our thoughts, behaviors and reactions. Mindfulness allows us to respond rather than react.

How to Be More Mindful

So how do we bring mindfulness into our daily lives? Like all things we strive towards, we must develop a mindfulness practice to reap the rewards. We must schedule a time, then stop what we're doing, and sit. Starting with a guided meditation can often be a helpful place to begin for those who have no prior experience with mindfulness. Below is a short 5-minute guided mindfulness exercise. It's one that I introduce to clients in my practice and in my infertility support groups: 5 Senses Mindfulness Exercise. I didn't write it myself, but it's my recording.

I like this exercise because it allows us to recognize the many ways we can be mindful in our own bodies each and every day. By attuning to the senses we can invite ourselves to stay in the present moment when we're eating, resting, gazing, walking, listening-- grounding ourselves wherever we may be, whenever we need it. 
 

The Wandering Mind

Photo by ANDRIK ↟ LANGFIELD ↟ PETRIDES on Unsplash

I like to remind my clients that there's no right and wrong with mindfulness; it's simply about cultivating awareness. Many people incorrectly believe they're "doing it wrong" because their mind wanders. This is normal as our minds are made to think. The practice of mindfulness is to simply guide your attention back to whatever it is you are doing-- breathing, pushing a grocery cart, taking a shower. Yes, each of these activities can be done mindfully. But let's start with sitting.

So find yourself a quiet place to begin. Push the button below when you're ready. You will need to download the link in order to play it on iTunes. I hope this experience allows you to slow down, if even for just 5 minutes

Whether you're a busy parent or longing to be one, mindfulness is an invaluable tool to help cope with the stressors of daily living. If you’re looking for a therapist in the San Diego area, I’m happy to help. Feel free to reach out by phone or email and we can talk about ways you might benefit from counseling. 

Four Reasons to Join An (In)fertility Group

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m encouraging anyone who’s struggling with infertility to speak up and get the support they need. If you know someone who’s could benefit, please consider sharing this article; you may not know how to help them, but pointing them to resources and letting them know you want to help will be appreciated.

Infertility is often a lonely and isolating time. It’s unexpected, often coming from out of the blue. But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are groups around that can help you deal with the predictable emotional roller coaster of feeling scared, worried, disappointed and sad. 

You may have considered looking for a group. You may have even located one, in your neighborhood, city or even online, but something has gotten in your way of joining. Hopefully reading this article will encourage you to think about the value of joining an infertility group.

Acknowledging the issue of infertility is often the biggest barrier to seeking help. The word itself may at first be scary, And then there's the fear and shame, which help maintain the loneliness and isolation so many experience. We often think we should be able to handle whatever life throws at us alone. But that's simply unrealistic. We are social beings and rely on others for many reasons. 

You may feel uneasy about sharing your dilemma with others. You may be fearful of hearing others’ stories. But here are four reasons why I hope you will consider joining an infertility support group. The old adage, "Joy shared, twice the gain, sorrow shared, half the pain,” rings true for me every time: 

1. EXPAND YOUR COMMUNITY

Infertility is often a lonely and isolating time. Whether you join a group expressly for women, or one for couples, you can expect to meet others who are in a similar situation and can relate to many of the struggles you're facing. Living in isolation can leave us feeling like we're the only ones who feel a certain way. Joining a group helps to validate common worries and emotions that individuals and couples face who are experiencing infertility.
 

2. LEARN COPING SKILLS

Infertility often goes hand in hand with depression and anxiety. Learning how to manage difficult emotions and life challenges associated with your infertility diagnosis is often another benefit to joining a group. Infertility is a crisis and a reproductive trauma, yet most people focus exclusively on medical interventions to reach their goal of having a baby. The emotional impact of infertility is often neglected until the distress is greatly impacting their day-to-day life and relationships.

So what if I told you that learning new tools could help decrease your symptoms of depression and anxiety like stress, worry, sadness, grief and loss? Did you know that deceasing these feelings could have a positive impact on your fertility? Many professionally led groups teach participants a combination of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Mindfulness skills. Here’s how these skills can help you: 

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), an evidence based treatment for both depression and anxiety, is based on the understanding that our thoughts influence our emotions, but that our thoughts aren't always accurate. CBT teaches us how to challenge our thoughts to make them more realistic. 

• While Mindfulness has been a big buzz word for the past 5-10 years, many are still confused with the objective. Being mindful is about paying attention, slowing down and becoming aware and noticing your thoughts. By slowing ourselves down  on a regular basis we become skilled at approaching difficult moments in a more thoughtful intentional way. Simply slowing down and mindfully approaching stressful situations can have an important ripple effect benefit you in a multitude of ways.
   

3. LEARN FROM OTHERS

It is said, "Knowledge is Power." The treatment of infertility is often diverse and complex. Educating yourself as to the wide variety of treatment approaches and options is important. Joining a group may open your eyes to new options and opportunities.
 

4. FINANCIAL SAVINGS

It's no surprise that infertility treatments can be costly. You're doing everything you can to have a baby and it adds up: consultations with reproductive endocrinologists, acupuncture treatment, appointments with a naturopath, testing, procedures to rule out contributing health issues... And this is all before any costs of medications or other assisted reproductive technology are accounted for.

So how does joining a group save you money, you're wondering? Research shows that women struggling with infertility for 2-3 years have double the rate of depression than their peers without fertility complications (Domar, Broom et al 1992). The good news is that decreasing depression has proven to increase rates of conception by 50%. Joining a group can provide you with new skills to help you to cope with difficult emotions and challenges in relationships that often accompany infertility.

A group isn't necessarily a cure-all, but it's more cost-effective than ongoing individual therapy. By bolstering your support system and learning new coping strategies you may improve your mood and decrease the likelihood of needing an individual therapist as you proceed on your journey with infertility. What do you think, could a fertility group be right for you?

If you’re thinking that a group might be for you and you’re in the San Diego area, you can learn more about the groups I run here. I meet with all new group members before our first group to learn more about you and to make sure it’s the right fit. Give me a call if you'd like to learn more. If you’re outside of San Diego, you can find local fertility support groups through Resolve, the National Infertility Association, and Psychology Today.

Infertility Support Group

The journey through infertility can be lonely and isolating. Maybe you've lost touch with some of your friends or they just don't understand what you're going through. Even family, while well-meaning, often don't get it. 

The anxiety and stress can feel overwhelming. You're not sure what your next step is and how to navigate this stage of your life- this stage you never imagined having to go through in the first place. Maybe you worry you're too depressed to be around a group of other women. But remember- these women GET it! 

Join me, Rachel Rabinor, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Dr. Elizabeth Winter, Licensed Naturopathic Doctor and Midwife for this 6-Week Mind/Body Infertility Support Group. 

Share as much or as little as you like. Listen to others. Feel the power of community. Reach out for support during this challenging time in your life and know you are not alone.

Dates: 
February 21 + 28
March 7, 14, 21 + 28

Cost: 
$275 ($225 before February 1, 2017)

Throughout the six weeks we'll explore issues related to fertility, including the impact on identity, self-esteem, sexuality and relationships. You'll have the opportunity to learn and practice relaxation and other mind/body coping skills each week. While we can't change the stressors you experience each day, we can help you learn to manage your response to allow you to live more comfortably and engage with life more fully. 

Women experiencing both primary and secondary infertility are welcome.

Registration required. 
 

How to #StartAsking for Support: The Journey of Secondary Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30, 2016) and the theme this year is “#StartAsking.” One of the goals of the #StartAsking campaign is to raise awareness, reduce the stigma and encourage people struggling to get the support they need. 

While infertility itself is seldom discussed at dinner parties, secondary infertility is even more of a hush hush subject. Sharing your experience with secondary infertility can help invite those who love you to advocate for you and support your family during this challenging time. 
 

What is Secondary Infertility? 

You have a child, or maybe two or three. You want to grow your family but it's been 6 months or 12 and still nothing. Or you've gotten pregnant but have miscarried. Again, perhaps. 

You discover on your own through your late night dates with google what you've got—secondary infertility. No one's said it but that's what you've got. According to Resolve, The National Infertility Association, secondary infertility:

is the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications. 

Why hasn’t anyone mentioned it, you want to know? You wonder why your doctor shrugged you off and told you to keep trying. Are they ignorant? Optimistic? Lazy? What are they waiting for!? 

There are so many complicated aspects to secondary infertility and coping with those who love you but who just don't get it. But the only way for them to know how hard it is and how lonely it is, is if we #StartAsking them to take a peek inside your world, to pay attention to your struggle, and understand what it’s like to experience secondary infertility. 

Consider sharing this list with them as a way to help them understand what you’re going through. Tell them the number of the struggle listed below that's hardest for you today. Add your own. Let them in. Let them help you! 

Common Struggles of Secondary Infertility 

1. You’re depressed and overwhelmed that you might not have another baby. 
2. You're mourning a loss. The loss of a baby. The loss of your dreams. Your life isn't going as planned and you have no control. You feel helpless.
3. Your relationship is strained— it can be difficult to get on the same page about treatments and to connect on a deeper level outside of your timed TTC (trying to conceive) "appointments". 
4. The judgement— You feel judged in online communities and sometimes in the real world too because you have a child already and others don't. You wish you could tell them— there's enough sorrow to go around, folks! 
5. The appointments! Who has time for all the appointments (the other kinds!)? Your RE, OB, the HSG, the routine ultrasounds. Let's not forget your acupuncturist! All the work you need to miss or childcare you need to arrange. It's a LOT. 
6. You struggle with envy as those around you, unintentionally or not, become pregnant.
7. Anniversaries hurt- your due date, when you had your (first/second/third) miscarriage, the holidays that coincide with those now infamous dates that are forever marred. 
8. The well meaning but unintended hurtful things your friends and family say in an effort to comfort you.
9. Your child(ren). Yes- so lucky to have that source of light. but dealing with the emotional weight of repeat losses, the TWW (two week wait), negative tests... it's intense. If you'd like some suggestions on maintaining your bond with your child through this dark stage, you might find this article helpful.
10. Your physical pain. The hormonal impact of infertility drugs- the anxiety, mood swings, weight gain. Or the nausea that comes with each hopeful pregnancy. 

If you feeling inspired to #StartASking for support, consider sharing this article with someone you love who can help you through your journey.

If you’re struggling with primary or secondary infertility and think you could benefit from the support of a trained psychotherapist, reach out! In San Diego, call Rachel Rabinor, LCSW for a free 30 minute in-person consultation. She maintains a private practice in the Banker’s Hill neighborhood where she specializes in Maternal Mental Health including infertility and loss. Resolve is a great resource for those outside of San Diego. 

Setting New Year's Resolutions: Seeing Past Your Infertility

New Year's day has come and gone and if you haven't set a resolution for 2016 yet you're likely reminded through various forms of media multiple times a day. When you're struggling with infertility, "having a baby" feels like an obvious goal that's constantly on your mind. However, I encourage my clients to choose a resolution that they can be 100% responsible for. Infertility, as we know, is very often outside our control. So when you're consumed with thoughts about your next treatment, phone call with xyz adoption agency, finding your surrogate, or the miscarriage you're still mourning, it's important to find a way to harness your energy to navigate this stressful, anxiety producing time of life.

Setting a goal for an entire year can certainly be intimidating. As a therapist, I've spent a lot of time helping clients develop and modify goals, resolutions and aspirations. Using the SMART acronym helps me help my clients get set up for success; every goal needs to be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. I also coach my clients towards choosing resolutions that promote their overall well-being, and specifically their mental health. 

Some of the most popular resolutions I've heard that support the big picture of having a baby this year include: yoga, meditation, walking, running, reading, healthy eating, connecting... What do these have in common? They will improve your well-being regardless of when or if you bring a baby home in 2016. 

Choosing a resolution

Take a moment and think to yourself: What do I need more of in my life? Really, I encourage you to stop reading for a moment (after you read these next three sentences), close your eyes and take a deep breath. Maybe two. Then, ask yourself: What do I need more of in my life this year? If you're coming up blank, here are a few questions to spark ideas: Could I benefit from a stronger mind-body connection through yoga, or running? Should I scale back on exercise and focus on building a meditation practice, walking, or being in nature? Nothing yet? How about your connections with others? Ask yourself if you need to take time this year to reconnect with those you love, or deepen your connection with yourself? Maybe you've been holding in too much for too long and really need to seek the support of a trained therapist this year. Dealing with infertility is intense. It can creep up on you just how stressful it is to juggle this unexpected life turn along with your day to day life. 

Setting your resolution in motion

So now that you've chosen your resolution for 2016, it's time to dig in. Lets make sure it's a SMART goal. I'm going to share one of my resolutions for 2016 as an example. But before I share my goal, please take out a piece of paper and pen or open up some app on your phone and work along with me. Here we go- My resolution is to camp more. Being in nature, unplugging from all there is to unplug from and taking a break from the day to day grind while breathing in fresh air and sleeping closer to the stars always makes me a happier person. It gives me the chance to connect more fully with myself and my fellow campers... It's food for my soul. 

While I'm instantly at ease envisioning this goal coming to life, it's hardly a SMART goal as is, so lets see how using the SMART format helps me flesh it out--

View fullsize

Specific
My goal of camping "more" is not very specific. What's "more" for me might be less for some avid campers, right? According to the SMART Goals Guide, make sure your goal includes the "who", "what", "where" and "when". So, I'm (who) going to camp (what) 5 times in 2016 (when) in California (where). Specific- check. 

Measurable
How will you know you've achieved your goal? Can you see, hear, feel or taste it? Camping 5 times in CA-  Measurable, yes! At the end of 2016 I'll be able to look back and see whether I've reached my goal.  
 

Attainable
This is a key step in setting a SMART resolution. It's important to reflect on your own capabilities and skills when creating a goal that's attainable. Only you know what's going on in your life, what's a comfortable stretch and what's not. If you hate bugs and must have a flushing toilet, your goal would look different than mine. As an experienced camper, I feel my goal is very doable. 

Realistic
While your resolution should urge you to stretch and grow, maybe even learn a new skill, it should also be something you are capable of doing. Is the goal you're working on SMAR so far? I feel my goal is in fact realistic. But I have a confession to make: I originally wrote my goal as camping 10 times this year. But as I thought about it, I realized that last year I only camped once!!. ONCE. So I'm glad I went through this process and reassessed what is realistic for ME this year. Five will likely be a stretch after a mere one time last year, but there were other years I camped more, so it's a comfortable stretch and goal for ME. I'm stressing the ME here because setting a New Year's resolution is personal and only applies to one person- YOU. So make sure it's realistic so you can set yourself up for success in 2016.

Time-bound
Having a deadline for completing your goal is crucial. Since we're discussing New Year's resolutions, our deadline is built in. As we close out 2016 we'll check our progress and celebrate our success!

How's this going for you? Do you have your SMART resolution now? If you're wondering what you can do next to get moving on your New Year's resolution,  I want to invite you to 1, share your resolution for 2016 in the comments below, and 2, share this blog post along with your SMART goal with one other person. Think of that someone who you feel comfortable sharing with -- a good friend, your partner, your therapist-- and put it out there. Being accountable to someone other than yourself can be extremely helpful in reaching your goals. You can do it! 

If you're struggling with infertility, pregnancy or infant loss, or a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, and think you could benefit from additional support in setting or accomplishing your New Year's resolution, feel free to get in touch by phone or email.